How to Handle “I Want to go Home”

What do you do when your loved-one lives in a memory care community and constantly demands that you take him “home”?

Logically, you know it’s not your fault he has dementia, but you feel guilty anyway. Every plea of “Get me out of this place!” is a stab to your heart. I know. It’s sad, and it sucks, and you want to fix it.

Remember, the decision to place him in memory care wasn’t made lightly. Several people were involved in the process, and the consensus was that it was necessary for his safety and long-term care.

It comes down to this: Taking him “home” is not an option. If it were, he’d be there now.

Eventually, he may accept this new place as “home,” and his heart-wrenching requests will end on their own. On the other hand, he may never accept /understand it, and “Get me out of this place!” could be his standard greeting every time you talk with him from now on.

So, what do you do?

The best advice is to try to “redirect” him. Basically, you acknowledge and respect what he’s saying but distract him by changing his focus strategically and quickly. You know it’s coming, so be prepared with some ideas.

Another approach is to make up a story. One of the standbys for the “I want to go home” scenarios is that “There’s a gas leak in the neighborhood, and no one’s allowed back until it’s fixed.” The theory is that this story buys some time and puts off the discussion “until the gas leak is fixed.”

Honestly, this approach almost never worked with my dad. He’d either see right through it, OR it would make him even more determined to go home, because he’d be convinced he had to be the one to go and repair the leak.

Whatever you do, do not try to explain (for the 100th time) why he can’t go home – that the doctors said this, that or the other thing. Do not ask him what he wants to do there at home – and then try to convince him that he doesn’t need to worry about that because you’ve taken care of it.

I promise you, no matter what you say and no matter how logically you say it, you will not talk him out of wanting to go home. The best you can hope for is that you might be able to distract him from focusing on it.

When it comes down to it, you just have to be patient and understanding.

If you think about it, it’s perfectly reasonable for him to want to go home. In his mind, “home” is a place where he didn’t have dementia, where he had independence, and where he could manage life on his own terms. So, of course he wants to go home!

Unfortunately, you don’t have the power to give him what he wants. The best you can do is give him what he needs – which is to be well cared for and safe.

This dairy farm in Iowa was my dad's home until he enlisted in the Marines.

This dairy farm in Iowa was my dad’s home until he enlisted in the Marines.

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